My Diary

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This is for you mommy :P

Waking up to find you not there is a feeling I wish to not have to face daily. I know that thngs are good and things will just continue to be good from here on out, I just want more and I can't have more. I wish I could wake up next to you more often, I wish I could spend more time with you, but the time we share is best for us. You ask me how far I want to go, and the answer is this. I wish to go to the stars and back again with you, but I wish only for this if you too want the stars. I wish I could just lay there in your arms for all time, talking, laughing, and just being us. I like you too much to go too far with you. How far is too far though? You must want the same or you wouldn't suggest things, do things, or act a certain way. Am I wrong? Oh how I wish I knew the answers to the unanswered questions that roam my mind. Why is it I can't treat you the way I treat all others. Why do I treat you with such respect? What does this all mean? Oh how I wish I knew the answers to these simple questions. What is it that has me drawn so close to you that you wake me from my sleep being so far away just by waking up on your own. Were you really there with me? Am I going insane and wishing for too much? Oh, how I wish I knew the answers. *cause a girl like you is impossible to find. Tonight will be the night I will fall for you over again. Don't make me change my mind. I won't live to see another day, I swear it's true. 'Cause a girl like you is impossible to find. Impossible to find. This is not what I intended I swear to you that I would never fall apart. I may have failed but I have loved you from the start. Hold your breath cause tonight will be the night that I fall for you. I won't live to see another day I swear it's true. So breathe in so deep. Breathe me in!* Yes that was a song. It is on my myspace profile. Fall For You by Secondhand Serenade...

I have no rhyme or reason to writing you other then the fact that I am, *hangs head and admits quietly*, kinda sorta attached to you. But it's not in the way most people get attached to others. I LOVE the attention I get from you! Again I have no rhyme or reason for this.. Oh yeah, I am doing this cause I can't seem to get you off my mind nor can I get this mood off my chest. Damn song isn't helping either.. The title says it all...

If I could just have one wish and one wish alone, it would be to have everything you are be in the one guy who wants me for who I am. Maybe not for eternity but at least for a while. I am rambling now! I wish I could go back to teh way my life used to be. Back when I had someone to talk to about the strange things  in my mind, the ways I think and the things I think about. But sadly I ruined all chances of that. I *smiles*... You are just about too damn perfect and I like that...

*Far away, long ago, things I once remember. Dancing bears, painted wings. Someone holds me safe and warm. Horses prance through a silver storm. Figures dancing gracefully across my memory. Far away, long ago, glowing dim as an ember. Things my heart used to know. Things it yerns to remember. And a song someone sings. Once upon a December!*

Oh I could just write that over and over and over and well you get the idea...

Why am I rambling to you?

I guess I just need someone to ramble to and since I feel safe doing it with you... *shrugs*...

I would kiss you forever should you give me the chance. I would hold you through the night if you were to lay in my arms. I would listen to all your worries and your fears, should you feel the desire to confide in me. I would always be the one you could turn to should you feel you trusted me. But I can't be the one you love, for I cannot return the love...

o0o I like that.. I have no idea where it came from, who it is to, or why I wrote it to you, but thanks... HAHA... I should probably turn this into a nonsense blog... HAHA... 

Every time I think of happiness I think too much of the people I am around. Now I fear that my actions will cause someone who makes me wonderfully happy to leave. I love the attention I get from him, but I keep thinking that things are going too fast for him. Granted he is the one in control of things but I'm wondering if I should be saying NO to things. I kinda feel that our *cuddle buddies* relationship has reached the outer bounds and are boderlining with FWB! I know he doesn't want that kind of a relationship and I am cool with that. In fact I would prefer things to just be the *cuddle buddies* aspect of it for a LONG time. I just barely met him, and even though we barely know each other, I know that I don't want him to go away. I like him and am confused about things. When it comes to people and relationships I don't really give much thought to it nor do I care what happens. For some reason, with him, I care what happens and I don't want things to progress too fast.

Does this mean I like him deeply, or that I don't  like him and just like his body close to mine? Who knows, all I know is that I am happy with him, and even happy when he isn't around. It's like today, just knowing he is coming here makes me happy. But also makes me wonder.

The way he touches me makes me believe that he is more into me than he lets on, but then he goes and says that he is just naturally that affectionate with people. So now I am left wondering what I mean to him if anything. Oh why do I let myself get this confused over something so simple. It's easy... We are friends and cuddle buddies.. We sit close and keep each other happy. So why am I getting confused? God I am an idiot!  And what's worse is I need to get this all out before he gets here so I keep looking around so he can't sneak up on me... I don't want him to know that I am this attached to him. And see that isn't even right, 'cause it is not HIM that I am attached to, but the idea of being with him!

Only time will tell for sure if things are going to work out between us.. What happens from here... And even IF he likes me... Oh how I wish time would hurry by, but remain slow and nice...

The night couldn't have been better. You and me and your bed. Just the perfect idea of a wonderful night.. Too bad it was all in my dreams.. I kept thinking you were laying there with me. Holding me close and letting me sleep. One day right? Some day? I just can't get you off my mind right now. I am perfectly content with the way things are between us and I wouldn't want more, nor do I want less. You are just as you said.. Perfect... For now at least. I know I am attached to you but it is such the attachment that allows me to walk away should I chose to, but I know I don't need to. 

Never have I ever thought that I would ever be so happy and content with things being *slow* and innocent. I am not an innocent person and I know this...  BUT omg today! Today was fabulous... I can't think why or what I was going to put here so off I go...

Unsure of the past, fearful of the future she sits alone in the dark thinking. She wonders if things would ever progress into something more serious. Listening to the song that plays on his profile she wonders if he posted it or if she still has control over his page. She knows she shouldn't be jealous but still somehow she is. No matter how much he tries to comfort her and tell her things will be just fine.

I hate it when I sit down to think or write or anything other things come into my head. Like for instance M and how he is feeling... I sympathize with him. I have been in his shoes before and to know that my friend is hurting, makes me hurt...
Or another example V. I wonder if he really knows how I feel? If I really know how I feel... How does anyone really know what they feel? Feelings come and go like the clouds in the sky. Sometimes they are barely there and other... gah

I wonder what my life would have been like had I never gotten divorced. Would I still be working a dead end job? Still be stuck in a controlling and somewhat abusive relationship? Life sure would be different than it is now. If I had never gotten divorced I would never had the chance to get an education, or become closer with my mom and step dad. The other change that wouldn't have occurred had I stayed married is the self confidence I have gained. Now granted I am not where I could be confidence wise, but I am far better than I was not even three years ago. Wow can you believe it has already been three years since my world shattered.

Well realistically I didn't come here to write about my past, or anything in particular. Just needed a place to gather my thoughts and almost just get off my brain the things that torment it.

I know I am a flirt and I do like the attention a bit too much. I don't see anything wrong with flirting though..

You look at me like you want something from me, and yet you say you are scared of me. I don't get it. hell I don't get a lot of things... I dont get how you could possibly like me but be scared of me.. Either you like me or you are scared of me, or the scaredness of it all doesnt matter and you are just saying that to figure things out... Oh why do I care? It's not like I would ever be able to be a good girlfriend for you. I mean hell I am sure I am not what you want for a girlfriend... Maybe a dedicated and loyal play toy, but... *sigh* that is what I will be isnt it? Oh wait we arent labeling things are we?

Do you like her? Do you want to be with her? Do you like her more than me? Not that that last question really matters, just want to know where I stand in the relations to things... Yeah I do care.. What am I kidding... I care a lot, but I may not always care and THAT is the truth of it!... Oh what is wrong with me? AND How DARE you offer something that you cant give me... Yeah I would LOVE to be sleeping, in the most innocent ways I mean, with someone, hell not just anyone... I would LOVE to spend the night with you... BUT then again Why do I never see that happening... Oi... I am a retard... Maybe you do have reason to be scared of me...  But on the same hand... I am just strange... AND GAY hehe...

My mind races like this, the soft touch of your skin makes me feel like I am swimming in satin. Oi... SHIT did that REALLY just come out of ME??? :O OMG I want to see if you would catch that... HAHA... Oh Im bad...

There once were days where you would grab me and pull my body close to yours. Oh how I miss those days! Lately my mind has been un-loyal to me, or so I feel. I thought that I knew how I truly felt about someone, but now I am not so sure. For the past 5 or 6 months now I have been in constant contact with someone living in TN and we got close, or so we thought. We dated and broke up and started dating again, but now I feel like I have made a bad choice and I don't know what to do about it. I fear that me thinking it is a bad choice is just me being me and freaking out at the first sign of anything good. But then I also question that. Isn't there truth behind my feeling of uneasyness? Should I listen to myself or ignore myself? I am completely confused and don't really have that someone to talk to about it. As it stands right now I feel like I am dating a jealous, controlling, two year old. Every time I am talking to another friend, or choosing to hang out with Marcus over talking to Daniel he accuses me of ignoring him. I don't see myself as ever ignoring him considering I text him every free chance I get, I call him when I can, and I talk to him online when we are BOTH at home.

I hate feeling hungry and sick at the same time... I really can't gather my thoughts to finish this. I just don't know what to do...

A friend sat outside with me tonight and talked to me. I know there is more that I could have said that would have kept the conversation going, but a part of me, and it's a good sized part, doesn't want to keep him from whatever it is he wants to do. I knew he wanted to go home after HEROES tonight but I didn't want him to go. I wanted him to stay and just be with me. I wanted to be closer to him tonight but couldn't. But that wasn't why I was writing this.
He told me that I could just let things out and tell him what was bothering me. The only challenge I have with that, well I have a few with it really. I am really afraid that what I say will effect how he sees me, but not how HE sees me. I don't really care how he sees me or what he thinks of me so long as we are cool. I know that sounds horrible but I don't expect much nor do I have high standards.
I just want people to want me around. I want them to invite me somewhere or actually want to go places with me. I'm not saying that my friend isn't one of those people, 'cause he is, but that's the thing he is the ONE person I have besides family that does things with me.

I have lost all my friends, and even those that I thought were true friends. I'm slipping away from others that I used to be so close to because of the distance between. I fear losing more and more people, but don't really do anything to stop it. If they want to leave, who am I to keep them here. Obviously I am not doing something that they would want in order to stay, so they leave.

Yes I have *issues* but I am working really hard to not be like that anymore. I am trying really hard to put others feelings, thoughts, desires, and wishes before my own. ...

I am going to stop this here.. I need to get some sleep... 5:30am will be here sooner than I know it...

Hopefully I will be able to continue with this later this week, until then... Night and um... Thank you Marcus. I really do need a friend like you!

I used to get on here every day just to see if you were around. Now I sit here not daring to even visit here and see you online. I can't believe you would take my heart like that and crush it. I was once yours to do what you wanted with, and you betrayed me. Now I feel like I have lost all hope in all that matter. No that's not true. I lost all hope in you. You were once great and now you are no better than he was. I have moved on and I will continue to despise your actions towards me. I am so hurt at how you used me and how you betrayed me. Yet I am not one to talk of betrayal. I have betrayed others and have lost them in doing so.

Now that I just wrote all that whoever reads this understand that I was not referring to this site and I know that who I do speak of does not get on here at all so I don't care.. just needed to vent that out...

Gah I need to vent a lot but cant cause each thing can only be vented in peices not in a whole and not to all around... I feel like a horrible person right now and even though I know I am not I still feel like it... GAH... He knows what I am talking about... And why is it I cant just be me and happy and just be accepted for things I do... GAH I just argh... Im going to bed I cant think and cant BLOG without going into things that cant be gone into... they are too private right now and between me and them and we talk so it will work out in the end and ill be fine i just needed to type and clear my head... but man im still so pissed at them.... ugh... why am i so stupid... why did i let them walk all over me? use me like im some thing to be used.. do inot have enough self respect to say hey that aint right? and when i do say that why do i get my ass handed to me saying im jumping to conclusions? how long does one need to see that they are being used? i mean if you can see it when you do should you ignore it cause you MAY not be being used, but when you feel like you are... gah i cant think im going to get sick if i keep this up night

Why is it when I hug you goodbye I secretly don't want you to let go. I cling to something that is long gone and I don't know why. I have someone else in my life, someone who makes me happy and is understanding, as well as willing to wait and trust me. I know things between you and I wouldn't have worked out and I think it is better this way. I just don't get my attraction to you. I can't get over wanting to just be close to you. I thought I could, and I do try to keep my distance. It's not like I want to be in bed with you, just touch you and be held. Mainly be held. You have such a sweet embrace I forget it was you who chose to not be with me. Gah why am I even focusing on it, it's not like I really care. I just wish I could have loving arms around me everyday. I know in time i will, but can I withstand the time between now and then? Will this work? Or am I doomed to know happiness and not actually be happy with someone. I see life so clearly with Daniel, and yet it is all too soon to be making life plans. I know I may be acting foolish, but for once in my life I actually see a future with someone. I feel like I have found that right person for me and I am scared to death. Everyone I have ever cared about, even in the smallest bit, has always left my side. Yeah sure we remain friends, but it's not the same to me. I want someone to be there for me, to listen when I need to talk, to talk when things are bothering them. I need someone to help, and care for. I know it sounds stupid, but it is what I need. It doesn't matter if that person lives down the street or on the other side of the world. If things are meant to be, in time they will be. All I can do is hope that my future ends up brighter than my past and that someone will truly love me, care about me, talk with me, spend time with me, let me into their world. I am tired of being shut out, and ignored. I am human and I need human interaction, even if it is just watching. Ugh why am I like this... I am fine, I don't need anyone in my life to complete me... I refuse to believe that I NEED someone to help me survive, aren't I stronger than that? Do people really need love to live life? Or can someone really survive without ever knowing love and still be happy? UGH.....

I hate this, here I am downloading new music and I cant seem to be happy... Kat just left to go swimming with the boys and I dont know if Marcus is home or not, he hasnt called me at all this weekend, not that I expected him to... I just would have like it, but he had his plans. The nice thing is my hallway is finally finished and my room is clean and my kitchen is done same with my entry way... im thinking of going to the park later and just swinging but dont want to go alone, nor do i want to be around anyone right now. i feel like all have abbandonned me and yet i know thats not the case. Im angry at joey for reasons that havent come into play yet, ie this whole relationship stuff. I spent the weekend doing jack shit and will be paying for it tomorrow... I know i wont have much to turn in at class but at least ill have something... After class i think im just going to read for a few days. i just wish i had more friends that i could hang out with... you know the ones taht call you up just to see if you want to come over and watch a movie, play a game, or hell even go swimming... but i have none of those, none that call me up at least or live close enough to go hang out with... why am i all of a sudden feeling like crap, i have no reason for this. my painting is done, cept for my frogs, my room is clean, im free and healthy and yet i feel alone... this sucks it really does... i just wish i could idk be invited somewhere or suprised by someone who probably isnt even home yet... i guess i really just miss my bf, and its kinda strange for me... we've known each other for just a week and i wish he was here now... oh well i guess i am to spend my night bored yet again... whatever, off to read... night

Ive had this thing for a few days now, probably like Tuesday I think. I started it because this guy I really like has one and he seems to read these more often than the myspace blogs... I got to thinking though, having this would be perfect because I could say what I wanted to and not be judged on my actions, thoughts, or words like I feel I am normally. It seems that people either get jealous or mad at me for the things I do and or the people I find interesting. Thats how it all got started really... My ex-bf saw a status message on yahoo about me finding someone. Ok so what, so I found someone it wasn't like I was dating him at that moment. The conversation between me and Joey though was like a realization to me of what I was going to do. I cant let him continue to control my every move. He just wants to have me available to fuck, and Im no longer available. I do wonder if I am dating Marcus just to keep myself unavailable to Joey or if I really do like him. Either way so far he is exactly what I want. He holds me at the right moments, kisses me when I should be. He seems understanding and caring and trustworthy, something I can't say for most others. He is truly something out of a dream and I need that. Hell the first night we met, last Monday hehe after HEROS he was very outgoing with me and complimented me, he took the initiative to talk to me... Something I still have a hard time doing.  Anyways, I dont want to say too much right now since we havent even known each other for a week yet... TOMORROW NIGHT BABY!!!! ^_^

I feel bad though, it's like this... I have a LOT to do and little time to do it in but all I want to do is just relax, something I havent done in the past month or so. Soon school will be starting back up and I will have even less time to do things since Ill be going as a full time student as well as trying for a part time job on campus. Im just afraid that with both Marcus and i going to school and both of us working, that there wont be time for us to be together. I just dont want to be alone anymore. I mean hell I saw him yesterday morning and I miss him as if it were a week ago that he left. I know he will be back soon, I just dont know what to do. Do I call him and tell him that I miss him, or leave him be to enjoy his weekend? It is strange being so into someone so quickly, but somehow I know this will last as long as I dont screw things up. Ok I should go and do something more productive, but probably will just go play D2 for a bit, havent been on there in ages, need to work my characters haha... 

Love Ya Miss Ya Bye